One more time

Dear reader,

In the name of Daft Punk, this is the last time I’ll be writing, for a little while anyways. Before it was therapeutic, a means of getting through and processing, but now I must let it go. I thought I was starting to get better, moving on. But last night I broke down. Today marks two weeks since we broke up and my emotional stability collapsed in on itself. Any more writing like this reminds me of you, and is only going to hold me back from moving on.

You taught me a lot about myself, more than I ought to have imagined. And I hope you learnt a thing or two as well. I’m so grateful for the time we spent together. Never a fight, or quarrel. It’s bittersweet, looking back, seeing the fun we had. But I would do it all over again.

I still wish sometimes we’d met under different circumstances. Without covid, more time to do activities together. I would’ve been a lot busier, and maybe not made you feel trapped. But maybe it wasn’t me. Maybe it was just us. Incompatible. All these thoughts, which is why I must stop and breathe.

It would be nice to look back on this in some time, and being connected again in some way. I meant what I said when I mentioned you added real value to my life. Your unique perspective and general aura gave me great solace.

I don't imagine this is going to effect much of anything given no one reads this, but if someone happens to come across this at a later stage, this explains the gap between this and any future posts.

I hope that wherever you are, in whatever situation, you are all doing well, and are okay (:

Until next time, go well and goodbye,
Oskar

Two more weeks of this shit

Dear reader,

If you aren't in Australia, the title is likely to make little sense. Melbourne's lockdown just got extended another two weeks. It's been so long since I've been able to shred the dance floor. I'll quickly be the first to admit that this is what I think, and that my 'dancing' likely mortifies onlookers, but sometimes you gotta just let it out.

We must remember something important though. You can't lose hope. Yes, it's another two weeks, and I know how hard it is right now. We all do. But now is quite possibly the best time in your life, depending on your situation, to really work on something that you otherwise wouldn't have the time or opportunity to do so!

I could talk all day about how fucked this is, how annoying it is to not be able to get out and about and see friends and family, how frustrating it is when people break the rules and compromise everything, how fucking god damn boring it can be meandering around your dwelling back and forth (is that my sock?), rechecking the fridge constantly (oh we have peanut butter. wait why is it in the fridge),  we all could..

But why do this, why should we all talk about how fucked this is? We all know how fucked it is. Why not talk about something else, like.. have you learnt anything new? Read anything interesting lately? Watched a good film? A bad one? Any good books you're enjoying? Something you drew.. or wrote? We gotta change the conversation, with yourself and those around you.

But I don't want to be overly unrealistically positive about this all. At the end of the day, it is hard. For some more than others. But you must remember that it's okay to be sad. There is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes you need to be sad. But try not to wallow in it too much. Do yourself little favors, send yourself a letter, buy yourself a gift for getting this far, like a plant. A covid plant (: We can be so hard on ourselves.

This may seem a lil controversial, but just on people breaking the rules.. Just the other day, a group of people gathered for some sort of family occasion. I'm not sure exactly what it was, but essentially there were two positive cases from said event, and it's all the fuss right now on social media. So much hate and disgust. Yes, what they did is wrong. I'm fairly certain they're completely aware. But there is another problem here.

Now I'm not excusing their behavior, this isn't what I'm doing. I'm just saying we got to be better than this. You can't send death threats to people. It's inexcusable. And all these keyboard warriors stalking their socials, sending horrible messages to these individuals and others involved or in similar positions. They know they fucked up. They are completely aware of the ramifications, and they've been fined and will quarantine. Just stop injecting so much pain and negativity into the blood stream of our feeds right now. Whether that be social or conversationally. Life's hard enough at the moment.

Something else that's been on my mind is that I think big tech has fucked us up. Pre covid, we were all living pretty FAST. Constantly and rapidly doing something to doing something else. Scrolling to talking to working... Very little 'idle' time. Time to just sit, and be still. And it's become so glaringly apparent during these lockdowns how bad we are at dealing with this. This idling time. We think we always have to be doing something, but this couldn't be further from the truth! And big tech has a massive role to play in all this. You think the big platforms give a shit about you? No, they don't. All they give a single flying fuck about is engagement with their platform. That is it. Because the higher the engagement, and the more you retain users, the more dollar bills come flying the big wigs way. Or lucky employees.

They don't give a fuck you've used their platform for 4 hours a day, or that you've been posting sad content, or that you keep viewing material that seems to be affecting your mental state. Not a single bit. It's all about how many ways they can get users back on their platform as soon as possible. More frequent notifications, smoother interface, more useless features that promote thinking about the app and more data collection (separate post about this coming soon). We don't need all this shit.

I could go on about this, but instead I'm going to recommend instead you head over to lookup.org.au. They've created a beautifully designed paper that touches on this and the idling stuff. Please read this, it's got some cool pics too (:

Tonight I'm going to watch the movie Soul. If you've seen it, watch it again. The messages in this film are so relevant at the moment, and I think we all need to be reminded of that. I'll talk about this in a future post, but it discusses deep philosophical problems at the core of many of us, twisted in some. The idea that we need a purpose to live, breathe, and experience. None of which is true. This is a very western idea, and is popularised and perpetuated by pop culture and social media. You don't need a specific reason to live, or goal obtained or anything of the likes. The purpose of life is that there is no purpose! And that may sound scary to some, but it's liberating. All you need to do is live. Each passing moment on this planet is special. Each chance encounter, experience with others. The summation of experience. It's all so beautiful (does anyone else sound this word out as they type it?), but we forget this sometimes.

Until next time, go well & stay safe,
Oskar

Sun 1. Numero uno

Dear reader,

Welcome to the first and hopefully regular Sunday blog series, where I.. blog on Sunday. I don't really have a structure in mind right now so I'll just wing it, but as I do this more regularly one may form. In the meantime, lets type. Also, this post will contain no content about PigeonTalk, as currently, I'm creatively flaccid.

For those interested in how these posts get written, I just start typing and see what happens. I wrote a little bit of this already last night to make it easier for myself, but that was unusual. It's mostly sitting and seeing what happens.

Looking back at some of my more recent posts, I can't help but feel that some things should have been left.. unsaid. It's all so raw and unorganised. I wrestled with this a bit over the weekend. What if you did see all this shit? Would it change the way you thought about me? Do I want it to? All these questions...

I hope you got your book back, and you took a look at some of the other short stories. I'm pretty sure I filled the right deets in, but damn that would be tragic if it got lost in transit. Such a good book, and has likely ensured I'll pursue more of Murakami's work.

Music has been therapeutic, as expected, but it feels different. I never really used to listen to much, and only did when friends were around but there's something to be said about taking in a song that someone wrote in pain. Pain you can feel in your bones. Pain you can relate to. It's been quite 'releasing' organising & updating my spot playlists. I'll come back to this in another post.

In other news, my personal notepad was a great success! To give you an idea of what I've been jotting down, here are a few high(low?)lights...
* Aug 12 Thur. STEVEN!
* Aug 13 Fri. Should dispose of this mask
* Aug 13 Fri. I hate trams (will post about this later)
* Aug 14 Sat. Dogs should laugh
* Aug 14 Sat. Wall of bees!
* Aug 15 Sun. Fuck this wind
* Aug 15 Sun. Want a carrot

Although these may make absolutely zero sense to yourself, to me you see, it's like time travel. I know exactly where I was and why I wrote them. Pretty cool if ya ask me.

I've also realised some recently. Although I may seem ~ zen ~ from the outset, I have a lot of issues. I always knew about these, but recent events seem to have made me take more notice.

Looking back at my previous 'things' with women, most of the time, especially in cases where I realise I like the person truly, I start to self-doubt, become compulsive and get anxious. Which points to co-dependency. This I don't have a silver bullet for, but I'm sure will get better as a by-product of attending to some aspects of my life that need it. I don't think it's a super bad problem, but it's something to work on for sure.

I am terrible with money. I am in debt, currently owe a few grand to zip money (lol, if you ever see this papa). I scrape through most months on bills, but spend inconceivable amounts on uber eats, printers and miscellaneous tech. Let's just say if that [scene](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YejpJgtQtuU) from Transformers happened in my shed, there would be problems. I make a decent amount of money, but have no savings. Although I don't have any immediate money goals / plans to travel because of covid etc, it would be nice to have the option. Money in the bank for a sporadic adventure to Nepal or 3d printer (don't even think about it Oskar).

I rarely follow through with things. How many times have I stop-started something? German (say you just started learning every.. week), learning every country (why did you even want to do this), researching the origins of rice (interesting, will revisit), building an app (insert random name here), the list goes on...

These are probably the big three. There are most certainly more, but this is what is at the forefront of my mind a the moment and I want to make a start on.

To end, here's a random fact about your blood. A way in which I used to end my posts early days. This is a bit of a long one, but promise it's interesting! So basically, you may be aware that your blood can either be + or -, e.g. A+, B-, etc.

This positive or negative nature just means whether or not your blood carries the Rhesus molecule. Now for some reason, most people seem to think this is inherited from the Rhesus macaque monkey, something I also thought. I'd even heard stories that a silly human performed unspeakable acts with said monkeys, resulting in this Rhesus factor occurring in humans. Turns out it didn't originally come from the monkey. It was just named that because these molecules were first discovered in them! Humans are also not the only species that carry a Rhesus like molecule. Some bacteria, algae and fish do too!

Also, as it turns out, this Rhesus molecule is an ancient descendent of a molecule named Amt, which is present in all life on earth, even Archaea (if you don't know what these are blow yourself away by googling..!) You can read more about this if you are so inclined here.

Until next time,
Oskar

Bittersweet sun

Dear you,

I went for quite the walk today, exploring some new parts of my suburb. Found a cool looking park which was noice. Being in the sun reminded me of you, and I thought I'd check in. I tried to reach out, to see if you were okay. A simple text, saying hello, no need to respond, just me again, seeing how you're doing.. But I think I've been blocked. And it makes me sad. I could send a letter, and thought of calling, but the last thing I want is to pressure you in any which way.

I'm conflicted now, on all fronts. I understand you need space, and have given you for the best part of a week or so, but given the lockdown and all that I thought I'd just check in. But I can't. Maybe it's necessary, and I shouldn't have even tried to get in contact, but I care about you too much.

I don't hate you, and don't think I could ever. I just hope your feelings towards me haven't turned sour, as it would be a shame. If you do come across this at some point, I hope you're okay, and doing well this lockdown. It's been tough for me.

I hope at some point in the future we do speak again, as the short time we spent together added real value to my life, and I want you to continue to be part of that, whether that be as friends, or whatever. Regardless of the connection "phrase", you made me a better person.

Kind Regards,
Oskar

Let's do this again

Dear world,

I've decided that I'm going to do this regularly, every Sunday evening. I'm running out of interesting things to talk about, and I want the quality of these posts to get better. More heart, and attention to detail. A bit more time to brew if you will..

Something I've been thinking about lately is how quickly things moved with you.

I remember vividly in a bar over chess talking about how neither of us was thinking about the future, only so concerned with the present. And how this changed. You picked up the game so quickly. I don't even think you realised.

I think now this was too fast, like a fire built of paper. Beautiful, if only for a moment. But lacked that core log. The one that burns warm and deep. Maybe this is a gross over simplification, but it's the most apt description I have right now.

I know I sounded a little sour about my papa in the previous post, but he was a great father. I just wish he was nicer to my mom sometimes. Something that makes me laugh about him is that every-time, almost without fail, we end the conversation and he will accidentally call me Luis, and correct to Oskar. It sounds a little like "luis..aaaarghhh..oskarhaha". Makes me laugh ere time.

I got my lil notepads today, and I'm pretty stoked. $2.5 for like, four or five?? What a fucking bargain. I couldn't find a pencil though. A smaller one anyway, so I've settled for a pen for now. This just reminded me of the little notes you'd write on my sticky notes occasionally, critiquing my pens. I wish I didn't burn these.

In other news, apparently Western Australia has made it illegal to protest outside abortion clinics. Can I get a hallelujah?

It's no ones decision but the person involved to decide what they want to do. This is a big win. I got no idea what it's like being pregnant, but I can imagine it's pretty fucking difficult. Especially when you're seeking help.

Also, my footy team I follow (Port Adelaide FC) is finally getting a women's team which I'm stoked about. Not til 2023 but it's something to look forwards to. The women play an unreal brand of footy. Sort of hard to believe it's taken this long to get the league going, but better late than never. I especially love the camaraderie amongst the players, even from opposing sides. They seem to give each other more respect than the mens.

Once the juniors get more opportunities and the draft quality increases as a by product of this the quality is only going to improve. I mean have you seen a mens game of footy in the early days? Shocking skills. But the passion was there, and even more evident in the women's now. Exciting times.

This is all I got for now, but over the next few days I'm going to work on the PigeonsTalk app and talk a little about that on Sunday and anything else that floats around in my head.

Until then,

Good day, Oskar

Shower thoughts

Dear world,

Today was quite the interesting day. As most happen to be these days I find. As I've really enjoyed how cathartic it is to blog, I think this will become a more regular thing for me.

Although I mentioned in my previous post I would not post about you anymore, there's still something to say, and probably will be for a while.

I wish I could go back to that day you came over and we were going to draw in the park. I don't know why I didn't entertain the idea more. I mean wtf was I thinking. I've actually recently got back into drawing lately, and been thoroughly enjoying it. I drew my favourite rocket (the infamous Saturn V). And if you don't know what this is, you should. It took us to the damn moon. My papa used to draw these for me when I was young. A good artist he was.

I also wish I could go back to that one time at breakfast when you wanted to play some weird knuckles game. I suggested we play sticks instead, which failed miserably. I didn't even know the rules to the game I suggested, bloody goose.

I miss the mushrooms at that random cafe. That breakfast was so bomb, and those soy lattes were unreal. Delicious. The walk afterwards too, critiquing peoples running technique, and the birds in the trees. A truly blissful day. And I wouldn't change anything.

The way you would go dead legged when I held you. Never had that happen before, and the first time you did it I was genuinely shocked. How I miss this. So random.

I especially enjoyed you talking about your art and the different coloured pencils. It was the most striking thing I noticed in your art when I first got to know you, and the reasoning even more so. How you would pick at random a pencil and force yourself to use it, because it was good for the brain. How cool. The squid too, and you not liking the black part of it, which happened to be my favourite bit. The bold stroke of the drawing. Maybe this is why it didn't work. A slight but significant difference in our cores. Or maybe I'm just dramatic lol. This I already know.

I can't even pleasure myself without the thought of you creeping back into my mind. I would consider porn, but fuck that. I hate porn. I watched it wayy to young and I think it's fucked me up a bit. So many people I know watch it regularly, and it just can't be good for you. It gets easier to visualise over time, and I find it way more pleasing. Reliving memories...

Sometimes I wish I hadn't met you yet, and you came later in life. Like when I was ready, but this is what everyone thinks right. You always wish it was the next. But I don't regret a thing, I'm glad we spent the time together we did.

I want to thank you mom for instilling within me that it's okay to cry sometimes. And I know how soft I can be, but you've made me who I am today. I love you too dad, but you can be an asshole sometimes.

Now onto some showerthoughts of my day...

Something that really triggered me today, and often does, was the sight of this squid and his partner out the front of the cafe after ordering sitting down both on their fucking phones. The morning was fucking glorious. Like, the clouds were perfectly parted. The sun was bright but not too bright. The wind was slight, but fresh. God dammit give your parter some attention and the world around you.

This was common today. Most people that order and wait outside go straight to their phone. Such a common reaction to 'waiting' for anything. Seriously, just go anywhere and look for 'idling' people. What did we used to do? Chat to the person next to you? Stand/wait in silence? Think about some weird shit that happened that day or another? The brain is so cool, but we're not treating it very nice.

Something I want to do and have for a while is get a little notepad and just jot down little things throughout the day. I do it on my phone occasionally, but it's so distracting.

I’ve recently realised maybe four poached eggs is a bit eggsessive (sorry).

What is is an appropriate way to translate 'just a trim' to a hairdresser without it meaning four kilometers?

Why is mariocart split vertically and not horizontally??

Why do people assume a regularly sized coffee is a small? Everyones regular is different..

Why do I consistently get blue shelled on the last lap or swiped by it when not first?

Why does someone keep taking letters from the free wifi sign at work???

My right sack is pretty painful. Think I should get it looked at.

Beautiful things don’t ask for attention (thanks, Walter).

Reading more, meditating but I won’t bore you with that shit.

If you're reading this at present or a later date, I thank you. And question. Why are you reading this lol.

Anyways, enjoy the rest of your day, wherever you are, in whatever situation

Warm regards, Oskar

This ones for you

Dear squid,

As it turns out, I'm not really over this as much as I thought. This is the last time I will write about you. It's so bottled up within that I need to get it out. The following are little thoughts that patrol my mind, and need to be released.

I miss all your little quirks, idiosyncrasies and nuances, I felt only I could see. A little world which surrounded you, that gave and still does give me great joy.

I miss the little sounds you'd make and movements with your hand, like 'owa owa' which I don't know what it means, but it made me laugh.

I miss the little head bobs, and oscillations of your voice. The weird sucking sound you'd make and your little ears when you smiled.

I miss your view on buildings and things as we roamed the streets.

I miss you putting your hand in my big jacket pockets as we walked.

I miss you leaning on me as you skated.

I miss seeing those big gorgeous eyebrows, dance around.

I miss the way you would squirm when I held you.

I miss the back and forth we used to have, the way we'd pick up on each other without saying a word. The third brain is still there, somewhere.

I'm sorry that one time when we were observing the 'should-be' communist pigeons being attacked by the youth, I didn't want to go for a longer walk. I know you did, you were inside all day, and all I wanted to do was go back to yours.

I'm sorry that one time we were watching that cool anime movie I was passing out half-way. Truth is, I smoked too much weed that evening and was losing interest and was getting tired. I compromised a moment for nothing but a plant.

I'm sorry that we never did get to see a drive-thru movie. There was ample opportunity, and I know oh how bad you wanted to, but we never did.

I'm sorry we never watched a true horror film like you always wanted. Instead opting for the less scary, still fucked up film about someone holding someone else against their will.

I'm sorry I stopped paying attention, and didn't listen. I want you to tell me all about your rings again, and their individual stories. The family tree and all. I want to know more about you and your views on the world. I know there was so much to tell. I just want to get to know you better.

I think I killed this with my own self-interest, and co-dependance issues. I'm not sure if the time wasn't right, or that covid never fully allowed us to blossom and truly get to know each other. But I thought that times like this could bring us closer together. Maybe I was wrong.

You will be okay. And so will I, eventually.

Now & forever my favourite lil squid,
Oskar with a k

Moving along

Dear reader,

Over the last two or so days the dust has to a degree, settled within my mind. I'm still not right, but I'm at the stage where I can get on with my life a little and work on some projects I've been leaving for wayyy to long.

The things I'd like to work on at the moment are...
* Personal website overhaul, landing page etc
* New project idea: PigeonsTalk (still working on the name... can you tell lol)
* New blog series, starting with Egypt
* Get back into German course (stop start this 24/7)

The project is interesting, and I'll lay forth exactly what I have in mind at this stage of its infancy.

Essentially, given the pandemic and all, it can be hard to talk to people. Yes, we have all the social media and amazing platforms left right and center at our fingertips, but I still think there is room for improvement.

The platform would act as follows. Upon entering the landing page, a few 'bubbles' appear, with #hashtags that precursor a title and small body like follows.

#books #pandemic #fuck
Title: Let's talk about murakami
Body: Struggling a bit, anyone want to have a discussion about this bloke?

Each 'bubble' would float on the home page and last only a few moments. Once clicked on, you enter a conversation with the person.

I want people to be able to talk to anyone about anything, as easy as humanely possible. Given the anonymous nature of the platform, you decide with your chatting partner how much you choose to reveal. And if you're unhappy, you can simply block or exit the conversation, returning to the home page.

There will also be an option to search for specific tags.

Each user themselves will have the ability to 'blow' a bubble, releasing it to the world. For starters this will just be Melbourne as I get it going.

I imagine a use case where shit, I just went through some heavy shit and I want to vent to someone who's not involved with it all. Yes friends are great here, but sometimes we do just want to talk to someone we do not know, with no prior thoughts or ideas about us.

You can get an interesting perspective that can otherwise be biased from friends. I want to quickly double down on the fact that I love my friends, and I don't want to lead anyone into believing that you shouldn't talk to your mates about things. But not everyone has that luxury (having friends that is), whether that be for numerous reasons such as geographical isolation etc. But I just want people to be able to communicate and help each other, wherever they are, in whatever situation they may be in.

Sometimes you may want to chat to someone to help, and others you want to ask someone else to join you. I believe this platform could help many people. There's something interesting about talking to a complete stranger. I find we're not as different as we think sometimes, after all we're all human.

This isn't to say we're not unique blah blah blah, I mean as Sagan once said, you'll never in a billion years or so meet another alike. But what I mean is that I strongly believe there is always something to be found in common with one another, no matter how polarsing the character may seem. Which I think is a beautiful thing.

There's more to flesh out here, but it's a start. A very raw one.

The blog series is an interesting one. I only noticed the other day that the time between posts had reached exactly a whole year, which is quite the coinkydink.

A blog series I believe will help me get back into regularly blogging. But I feel this may not even be necessary. But nevertheless, Egypt, I got my eyes on you, and that weird sphinx.

Until next time,
Oskar

Sometimes life sucks

Dear reader,

I want to preface this post by stating this is quite a personal thing for me to be releasing to the world. But I need to get it out there. There's something about the possibility of a stranger or perhaps even someone I know stumbling across these words. Maybe it can help them? But for now it's helping me.

This was originally going to be a journal entry of mine, but ultimately I decided against. There's too much to write give the influx of thoughts currently swirling within my mind and it needs to be let out.

On Wednesday the 4th of August, 2021, I lost something. Is it permanent? I don't know. Will it resolve? I don't know. But something inside of me has hope for the future and thinks that this is only a chapter close for us.

I guess it was too good to be true. I've been searching my mind, querying for our engagements, conversations and intimate moments, but it's no use. I cannot see clearly where it went wrong.

Part of me thinks that I stopped putting in. The inside jokes faded, I got lazy, comfortable with the thought of her.

Early on, I wasn't quite sure about you. I liked you, I knew that, and you were far more interesting than I think you give yourself credit for, but I didn't ever expect to fall for you this hard. That quickly.

Over the period of two months or so of getting to know you I realised that there are stakes. I realised that fuck, I really like this person, and I don't want to fuck it up.

Also given covid, smoking occasional weed and getting comfortable during this middle part I think contributed to you losing interest. Or maybe it had nothing to do with me at all, and it was the work, pressure and all these things effecting you. But deep down for some reason I feel it was me, I fucked it up. I may be wrong, but it's just a feeling I have.

I just can't at this stage of my grief shake the thought that I had caused this. My codependency rising, bubbling to the surface around the time I fell hard and fast for you. Clutching at straws as I began to fall trying not to lose you, but ultimately pushing you away.

Maybe this is all part of growing up, a graduation I feel for something better. But I don't want it to be. I just want you.

I know over time I will get over this, but it wont change what I think about you. That will never fade. I hate this. You could turn up at my door or call me and I'd be there in an instant. It's like you have this grip over the deepest part of my mind.

As much as I think you'll call, the more I write I think it not to be true. Maybe it is truly over, and I'm lying to myself. Maybe you are moving on as we speak and are going to be better for it. And go on to do amazing things and meet amazing people, which I'm sure you will. There's so much goodness within you.

I also miss those damn cats.

I've got more to say at a later date. But for now, this is all I can write. I need more time to go over it all, and process. Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, I hope you are okay, and doing well.

Until next time,
Oskar