Sometimes life sucks

Dear reader,

I want to preface this post by stating this is quite a personal thing for me to be releasing to the world. But I need to get it out there. There's something about the possibility of a stranger or perhaps even someone I know stumbling across these words. Maybe it can help them? But for now it's helping me.

This was originally going to be a journal entry of mine, but ultimately I decided against. There's too much to write give the influx of thoughts currently swirling within my mind and it needs to be let out.

On Wednesday the 4th of August, 2021, I lost something. Is it permanent? I don't know. Will it resolve? I don't know. But something inside of me has hope for the future and thinks that this is only a chapter close for us.

I guess it was too good to be true. I've been searching my mind, querying for our engagements, conversations and intimate moments, but it's no use. I cannot see clearly where it went wrong.

Part of me thinks that I stopped putting in. The inside jokes faded, I got lazy, comfortable with the thought of her.

Early on, I wasn't quite sure about you. I liked you, I knew that, and you were far more interesting than I think you give yourself credit for, but I didn't ever expect to fall for you this hard. That quickly.

Over the period of two months or so of getting to know you I realised that there are stakes. I realised that fuck, I really like this person, and I don't want to fuck it up.

Also given covid, smoking occasional weed and getting comfortable during this middle part I think contributed to you losing interest. Or maybe it had nothing to do with me at all, and it was the work, pressure and all these things effecting you. But deep down for some reason I feel it was me, I fucked it up. I may be wrong, but it's just a feeling I have.

I just can't at this stage of my grief shake the thought that I had caused this. My codependency rising, bubbling to the surface around the time I fell hard and fast for you. Clutching at straws as I began to fall trying not to lose you, but ultimately pushing you away.

Maybe this is all part of growing up, a graduation I feel for something better. But I don't want it to be. I just want you.

I know over time I will get over this, but it wont change what I think about you. That will never fade. I hate this. You could turn up at my door or call me and I'd be there in an instant. It's like you have this grip over the deepest part of my mind.

As much as I think you'll call, the more I write I think it not to be true. Maybe it is truly over, and I'm lying to myself. Maybe you are moving on as we speak and are going to be better for it. And go on to do amazing things and meet amazing people, which I'm sure you will. There's so much goodness within you.

I also miss those damn cats.

I've got more to say at a later date. But for now, this is all I can write. I need more time to go over it all, and process. Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, I hope you are okay, and doing well.

Until next time,
Oskar