Dear reader,
I knew I'd be writing again at some stage, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't surprised about how long I'd be on this sabbatical of mine. I guess it's hard to put a timeframe on such a thing, but the more I think about it, the less surprised I am. It's been about a year since I was pickled. A lot of it my own doing, but I can't be too hard on myself. I was so young. I still am, but I'm referring more to my emotional intelligence. I see more clearly now that it wasn't meant to be. I mean we didn't even see each other for that long. Like a intensive summer course, it left me exhausted. Too much content and too little time to process. I know, a uni reference, gross.
I see now how needed this experience was for me. Before you, I was a little all over the place. I had lots of energy and focus but nowhere to put it, then you arrived. The night we matched I was in a particularly vulnerable state. I was drinking red wine and felt lonely. Half-cut mindlessly interacting with my mobile device I swiped. Swiped and swiped and swiped and there you were. The perfect person. No flaw in sight, my eyes widened and my rational mind took the back seat (more aptly ejected). I had to do whatever I could to get your attention, so I used the dreaded super-like to rise above the pack of men with their fish and squids with their rigs.
Not long after, my phone vibrated *brrrrr*, sending a jolt through my lonely, cold and limp body. We matched and you instantly sent a message. I felt a pulse. The convo didn't start particularly well so I had to get creative to keep it going. I started with my typical light-hearted interesting surface level questions, like do you wanna know some facts about water bears? Which I don't really know anything about, I just think they're cute and good for conversation. Not great I know, but they were effective for generating interesting conversations.
Then the convo died, and I thought well great. This is just fucking great. I'm gonna grab some more red and marinate in self-pity. Then I decided no, I got more to say. So I went against an unspoken rule of engagement, and doubled up my messages. It got her back, and by some luck we ended up on the topic of gaming.
Now this is interesting, because although at the time I was gaming a little, my days were behind me. I used to game ALOT. I had my own incredibly unsuccessful e-sports teams in CSGO & BF3, almost BF4 but that's a story for another time. And she was still in this little universe. Which I can vibe with a lot, but I got lost in it. You see, I was starting to trend away from this world, going on to do other things, developing other interests. I was beginning to fade with my degree (Software Engineering), looking at more practical hands on things. But she drew me in and I started gaming again. I mean not long ago I just sold a stupidly expensive rig. All of this behavior trying to cater for her, with no regard for myself. Something I wasn't aware of at the time.
I want to clarify here real quick that I have absolutely nothing against the gaming world. Especially the one she was in. I am just pointing out that had I not met her, I likely would have continued to trend away from my degree/gaming and go on to do other things, moving further away from this particular niche. I also want to add that I still game now, just less and more communally with those around me. e.g. mariokart with my housemate or occasional game of F1.
Now something that has become abundantly clear to me is that all of this, it isn't right. There are elements of the bullshit ping-pong 'love game' to a degree, sure. But it's not sustainable. In my experience for myself, which may differ for you, I think now that I want to take things slow. Let, for lack of a better expression, nature take its course. Get to know someone more holistically, not force anything upon anyone or myself. Have less expectations. Anywho, back to the topic at hand.
Not long after this we phoned that night and spoke. We talked all things about life etc. We had a lot of things in common, similar music taste, an interest in our environment in peculiar ways. She liked cooking, had cool mugs and was a great artist. I mean wow. A breathtaking artist. If there's anything I wish it is that you could see some of the things she painted, drew etc. I don't have the vocabulary to properly describe what I saw but she's a great artist. Full stop.
One thing led to another and we went on a few dates. Talked more about life and where we are headed. We both enjoyed German and talked about potentially doing a course together. And then boom, the excitement wore off.
We both realised (I think she did before me) that just like anyone, we're all flawed and have our own issues and idiosyncrasies. Conversation started to feel a little forced, particularly from her end. I feel sorry for her in a way, but I wish she could have told me what was going on. I felt out of the picture during this tumultuous faze.
I remember the night we broke up she mentioned that she felt trapped, and all over the place. A horrible feeling it must've been. I know she cared about me, but she didn't love me. Something I need to accept. And that was it. In a flash as quick as it started, all over, and I was back to square one (or so I felt at the time, not realising the growth I would go through that would lead me up until this point in time, writing these words).
So one thing I'd like to point out is that my behaviour may have contributed to hers. It's hard to analyse my own actions unbiased as looking back my subconcious brain loves to bust out the rose tinted lenses, but I think I may have been a little overbearing. Not good at listening, poor at taking into account another persons needs and interests, and striking good balance with my own. I think I was too clingy, and stopped pursuing my own interests. I stopped doing my thing and tried to fill my loneliness void with another person, I tried to force them into my jigsaw (Thank you, Daniel).
There was no one particular reason why it ended. It just did, as it does. Now for the first time, I feel at rest. I know that this is a non-linear process and likely it will bob up in my brain again, but I am more emotionally equipped to deal with it. An absolute stinger she was. But I will be forever grateful.
Until next time,
Oskar